Mastery of Fear and Finding Balance in Recovery

Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”

- Mohandas Karamchand (Mahatma) Gandhi

Do you remember that first time you tried to ride a two-wheel bike?  Do you remember feelings of fear or excitement?  Do you remember being determined or feeling relegated to defeat before even getting the courage to lift your feet from the ground?  As a cyclist I love the feeling of free-wheeling freedom on my bike, but it wasn’t always that way!  I recently taught my daughter to ride her two-wheel bike and I was reminded of how much trust, skill, and the ability to work through fear was involved in gaining the free-wheeling feeling I love so much.

The Gift of Gratitude in Sex Addiction Recovery

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it."   - William Arthur Ward

theconfidentmom.com

The marriage impacted by sex addiction is in turmoil for quite some time post-discovery of the addiction.  The betrayal of sex addiction is like no other.  The marriage impacted by addiction is filled with resentment, bitterness, and reactivity.  The addict holds resentment, and even perhaps used those resentments, to fuel the acting-out in the addiction cycle.  In beginning recovery, the partner holds resentments and often feels justified to emotionally brow-beat their sex-addicted partners with reminders of how horrible their actions were.  There is fear their hurts will remain unacknowledged.

Miracle of Recovery

 

"Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be the miracle."

-  Phillips Brooks

 

Did you ever see the movie “Evan Almighty”?  Evan was tasked with building an ark in modern times because the flood was coming.  He kept praying for patience, but patience never came.  The situations that allowed him to develop patience kept coming, not the skill or attribute of patience.  Recovery is like that.  The people I sit with in early addiction recovery sometimes sit waiting in abstinence of the acting out for recovery to come….waiting for it to arrive.  It takes some time and “program development” to understand that their consistent work, building the muscle of recovery, if you will, over time to live in the life of recovery.

Sex Addiction, Marriage and The Doghouse

A friend sent me this commercial over the holidays.

 

As I watched, I was struck by the similarities of the couple in the commercial to the couple that struggles with sex addiction as part of their marriage.  There is the hope and anticipation of the marital relationship.  As the wife is presented the vacuum cleaner for her anniversary gift, shock, anger, and the need to do something with the offending spouse who “tarnishes the hope”, ensues.  What wife, who feels the betrayals of sex addiction, can’t relate to the wish to physically place her husband somewhere for punishment?  The commercial shows her marching him into the doghouse.