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Sex Addiction Creates Rough Seas in a Marriage – SOS! May Day!

On my visit to San Diego, while attending the SASH conference, I took some time to be a tourist when the conference ended.  My husband had a meeting at the same time close by so we made a rendezvous to enjoy some outdoor activities in the area.  My wish for outdoor activities included cycling and sea lion watching.  My husband was up for sea lions, but preferred to add ocean kayaking to the list of fun.  With limited time we compromised by deciding on ocean kayaking that would include a trip by a peninsula that sea lions were known to inhabit. 

This excursion was my first ocean kayaking experience.  My husband has a passion for the water.  While I grew up on the Atlantic Ocean, I am more comfortable on land, but I do love the sea from the distance (or on a fast speed boat!).  We began our trek in the kayak out towards the sea lions off in the distance.  As we ventured out, the Pacific Ocean was quite calm.  The stillness of the water was a real selling point for me to agree to this activity.  I am not the strongest of swimmers and have a healthy fear of water.   After a while my anxious feelings began to settle.  It was even becoming quite enjoyable as we approached the sea lion area.  We were in an alcove of limestone cliffs but were warned not to get close to the shore in that area as the ocean could carry us in pretty quickly and possibly slam us into the rocks.  Occasionally a few swells would come along that would serve to gently rock our kayak in a bobbing fashion.  All of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere appeared a guide which cautioned us that some large swells were coming in and to get prepared!  Oh my, this was not in the plan!  I turned to see that I could no longer see the horizon and could only see what felt like a wall of water coming towards us!  We knew that we had to face into the direction of the swell to keep from being toppled.  Thankfully we were able to maneuver properly.  Along came another large swell that prevented us from seeing the horizon. It was so tall if felt as if it would break over top of us.  For me, this was very frightening.  I didn’t panic, but I found myself going through a protocol of water safety “what if” scenarios in my head.  A third very large swell came along.  I thought my husband would better know how to take care of himself than I would if we toppled, but I am sure I could make it, but there was a lot of trepidation!

Being out in San Diego for my professional conference I thought of the couple faced with sex addiction and the parallel to this excursion.  Often we enter marriage with the idea that it will be smooth sailing.  Rough seas are a possibility but they remain out of our minds.  The metaphor of us in the kayak is we are in this together, like it or not, and we are two different people with different skillsets!  When sex addiction is revealed in a marriage, it can produce a panic similar to the large swells we encountered out there on the Pacific Ocean.  At that moment, one cannot see anything except the crisis at hand the way we could only see the wall of water.  It is large.  It is ominous.  It feels like one might not live through it.  There are waves of it coming and waves of it passing, seemingly without warning, and rhyme or reason.  One feels an eminent danger. There is a need to find a way from being toppled without the ability to see the horizon.  Couples faced with sex addiction are forced to come up with safety plans for safe passage through deep, murky and dangerous-feeling waters.  Couples need a plan, a set of safety regulations, and a set of skills to guide them to safety.

A CSAT therapist specifically trained in Sex Addiction can be a helpful guide to teach skills and navigate to safe waters in marriages that find themselves in the swells they feel like they might not survive.

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Where in the World is Matt Lauer: Some Thoughts for Addiction and Recovery

"Fortune favors the bold."  – Virgil

This past Thursday on NBC’s The Today Show Matt Lauer visited the Jungfrau Observatory in the Swiss Alps.  In this segment he met up with legendary climbers who reach great heights.  Specifically he focused on three climbers and their motivations, techniques, and focus used to climb the iconic north face of the Eiger Peak (elevation 13,000 feet).  All three men had something to say that reminded me of  the dangers of sex addiction and the sometimes unimaginable quest in reaching the summit of successful recovery. 

First, the story of John Harlen, the first American to climb the steep and craggy north face of the Eiger tells the tale of obsession, motivation, and the quest for redemption.  Four years after solidifying his place in history as the first American to climb the north face, Harlen died taking a more direct route up in 1962.  Sex addiction is a diesease of incresing escalating behaviors.  Some may die in the quest for even greater new heights.  

Forty years later his son, John Harlen III, climbed the same route that his father had perished on.  He said he had to do it and felt it was cathartic to get to know his father.  I am not sure what exactly motivated his son, but I know often in families we consciously or unconsciously follow in family footsteps to understand the things that are not, or cannot be, talked about.  I surmise it gave him a chance, in not physically knowing his father, to know him a little better to literally climb his path.  I wonder if there was an element of re-righting what could not be done in the previous generation – a kind of healing that allows one to close “the undone” in families.

Next, Ueli Steck, was interviewed.  Steck is best known for his speed record in reaching the summit of the Eiger.  Usually a climb that takes greater than three days on average, Steck made the summit in a staggering 2 hours and 47 minutes!  When asked “how did you do this?”  Steck replied “ I didn’t ‘just do it’, it was training, lots and lots of training! “  Steck went on to say if he doesn’t train well and do the tasks he needs to do well, he dies.  And so it is with sex addiction.  If addicts do not train in new tasks of recovery, they are at risk for dying if the disease progresses unchecked. 

Lastly, Dean Potter, an American on the climbing scene, said in his interview “I love the fact I change the worst possible thing to the best possible thing:  dying to flying!”  Well that caught my attention!  As the scene showed him jumping off the mountain in his flying suit, I thought of those who struggle in the diseases of addiction.  Addiction-to-recovery is a dying-to-flying tale.  The tools of recovery offer the addict the opportunity to right a hopeless path.  

All three stories have elements of warning and success in reaching great heights in recovery.  Obsession motivates, obsession gives us quest, but some may die in their quest. Some may die in the addiction if they don’t get their training rituals right in recovery. That training for technique must be the new obsession, if one is to truly be successful.  I have heard Dr. Patrick Carnes say addicts need to do something in the practice in their recovery at least 45 minutes every day.  The men in my early recovery group know if they apply themselves to the techniques of recovery laid out for them, they get better.  They begin to trust successful training begets more success in their recovery and life.   Many I sit with in active addiction process are seeking the next height of escalated dopamine hits from a brain science perspective.  This height is their mountain. Some men I have sat with in their sex addiction have put themselves at great risk for deadly disease, physical danger, or other severe consequences of acting out.  Feelings of worthlessness keep one stuck in the throes of the disease.  If one can enter recovery by taking the plunge, one can create a life of soaring unimaginable heights that Dean Potter demonstrated:  Dying to flying!  That is the true story of addiction and successful recovery.   If you struggle, I hope you trust taking the plunge and creating new positive rituals will bring you to new unimaginable heights.

 

If you care to watch the segment:  http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/45237977#45237977

 

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The Big Year – An Allegory Tale of Sex Addiction in Relationships?

Spoiler Alert:  This post is about the recent movie The Big Year starring Steve Martin, Jack Black, and Owen Wilson. If you want to see it, reading further could ruin it for you.  I thought it was a pretty good movie, however, our American viewing audiences might not agree.  This movie does not have copious amounts of violence, sex, or action other than obsessed men on the hunt in competition to view the most species of birds in one year.  Three disparate men, each facing unique personal and relational challenges, try to outdo each other in the ultimate bird-watching competition.

I watched the plot unfold on how each man’s obsession affected their love lives, familial relationships, and their relationships with each other.  I found my mind wandering to the parallels of those I treat with sex addiction.  Three men obsessed, hunting, searching and driven.  Each has a back story which shapes their quest.  Steve Martin’s character is driven, achieved success, but has not quelled the need to continue to search for fulfillment and drive.  Owen Wilson’s character has reached the title once in his life, but can’t let another man beat him this year.  The El Nino winds have made weather patterns hold promise that he could beat his own record!  He can’t resist the temptation to better his own ultimate peak experience. He fails to make good on promises to his wife and the infertility clinic schedule for the bird viewing obsession.  Jack Black’s character hopes to escape his doldrums of 9-5 existence. He is stuck in the rut of discordant family relations.  He has an unsupportive father who has not realized his own life’s potential.  Jack longs for a life of passion in any form.   The disrespecting father is void of his own life’s passion and ridicules his son for these crazy efforts. The big year could be Jack Black’s big break at the chance to heal all his psychic ills.

Sex addiction is a disease that hides.  Many who struggle with the addiction report a feeling of doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I watched the movie with interest as conquest, compulsion, and secrecy affected the characters' family relationships and their relationships with one another.  Each man in competition with the other tries to hide their true motives from one another.  This act of secrecy shapes their relationships, as well.  We watch secrecy shape their relations with one another and their primary relationships. And so it is with sex addiction.

Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder and leads to a life out of balance.  Steve Martin, restless for more achievement, is transparent to his wife about his goals for The Big Year.  His obsession drives him, yet, his wife can support him because she recognizes the importance to him.  She encourages him to follow his dreams.  His corporate staff is frustrated for the inability to reach him through this obsession.  Steve Martin also appears nurturing to Jack Black’s character, yet hides his true motives from him.  Jack Black, endearing himself to this father figure on his journey, is honest about his intentions for The Big Year and feels betrayed when he finds out Steve Martin has hid the truth about his intentions for The Big Year. Owen Wilson promises to meet his wife and her needs of a baby which involves scheduled infertility treatments.  The obsession for the call of the birds is greater than the biologic clock that ticks away within his wife.  Owen and his wife are single-minded and self-obsessed. They ignore, or fail to recognize, what the passion is within one another. They live in parallel focused environments frustrated for the other’s inability to meet their needs.  A similar dynamic often exists in the sex-addicted marriage. 

Sex addiction is a family of origin disorder.  Jack Black lives in a home enmeshed with his mother and a father who fails to recognize either his wife’s or his son’s emotional processes, let alone his own!  The mom overextends herself to her son’s wishes almost to make up for her husband’s criticism and disengagement. 

Obsession kills relationships.  As Terry Real presented at the recent SASH conference I attended, “The ‘cure’ for addiction and emotional problems is emotional connection. We hide our true selves in addiction fearing we would be unlovable. Intimacy (into-me-you-see intimacy) is the fix for addiction.  Steve Martin, supported in understanding, comes to understand what his obsession is costing him as his first grandchild is born.  He realizes the obsession is keeping him from the ones he loves.  Jack Black’s father meets an-end-of-life-health crisis head on.  Faced with his immortality, the crisis wakes him up to the importance of life.  In this crisis he and his son begin to learn caring and a shared intimacy.  He even goes out with his son on his quest for the elusive Great Gray Owl.  Jack Black in his obsession, but feeling cared for, realizes he neglected to care for his ailing father.  He panics thinking his father might have a heart attack and circles back to find him- a brilliant metaphor.  Not only does he find his father, but he finds his father has found the elusive thing that he seeks – the Great Gray Owl.  Intimacy is created over time by shared experiences.

In the end, Jack Black healed with his dad’s love and respect, is freed up to be truly intimate with others in his life.  His opportunity for love, previously elusive, appears and he is ready to take it. Owen Wilson misses the chance to meet the need of his wife one more time.  She can no longer endure the rejection and they both cannot turn off their respective obsessions or resentments for each other.  Steve Martin and Jack Black, feeling healed in their life and relationships, hope that Owen Wilson can live with the choices he makes and the consequences of his actions.

I sat with a man recently who attempted to reach his father his whole life.  When all was revealed about this father’s obsession and addiction, the father said to his son I do not want to give up what I am doing.  It is a painful realization when one knows they are picked over for the addiction.  Some people choose to remain isolated and die “in their disease”.  Some realize what is important. Some choose the hard work of intimacy and connection.  Steve Martin and Jack Black demonstrated the rewards of a connected life with the decision to live consciously and it was heartwarming. 

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New Information on Sex Addiction

This past month I attended the SASH conference (Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health) in San Diego.  The list of professional presenters and topics these professionals lectured on were quite impressive.  Presenters included such industry standouts in the field of Sexual Compulsivity, Addiction, and Trauma included:  Dr. Patrick Carnes, Alex Katehakis, Rob Weiss, Terry Real, Dr. Janina Fisher, and Kelly McDaniel.  There is exciting research coming out of a field which is working together to help those in need of healing from this addiction.  I was grateful to spend time with those in the industry on the frontline of research at a national level. These clinicians and researchers help further knowledge, understanding, and help alleviate the pain and symptoms of those who struggle.

I also had the chance to spend time with staff and clinicians that own or work at top-notch treatment centers and Intensive Outpatient Centers from a variety of places in our country.   Knowing how others work, what level of treatment they offer, and seeing their professionalism firsthand, gives me confidence to refer a client when there is a higher level of care necessary than the outpatient services I offer.  There are a couple of reasons clinicians will look at what level of care a client needs.  Safety issues (harm to self or others) and difficulty in maintaining sobriety are a couple of factors to be examined when selecting the appropriate level of care necessary for achieving successful sobriety.

My clients often suffer from more than one addiction.  Many tell me they have kicked their cocaine or alcohol habit in the past, but sex addiction is a much harder addiction to tackle.  Dr. Carnes speaks to that point when he looks at possible reasons behind this fact. The neural networks for sex and love are related to our survival needs.

I will be highlighting recent presentations, research, and components of treatment gleaned at this conference in future posts.  

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Recovery, Sobriety, and the Art of Endurance Training

“In my preparation for the race I am focusing on what I can influence for top performance and letting the actual result of the race come as it will."    — Ruthie Matthes

I spend a lot of time training for events in my life both personally and professionally.  I am a goal oriented person.  I attribute much of the achieved success I have aimed for in my life to goal setting and surrounding myself with a supportive network to achieve those goals.   I have thought how similar that is to those I see who are successful in their recovery processes from addiction.  Nowhere in my life is that training more evident than in the endurance sports I engage in and the circle of endurance athletes I am privileged to observe and hang with.

I am not a natural athlete.  Truth be known, “athlete” is a term I use loosely for demonstration purposes, only.  Most endurance athletes I know have natural abilities to help them but it is still hard work for them to get to the finish line.  Most people I see in successful recovery work hard to be successful.  This observation is not meant to be a de-motivator, but an expectation for success.  For those of us who train in endurance sports, it is not about the finish line.  Endurance sports are an entire experience:   putting your goals out there, committing to a training plan, camaraderie of a group going in the right direction, surrounding yourself with those who can support you through the tough times, race day, a sense of self-esteem for sticking to the plan, and – oh yeah – a finish line.

While I was on my bike recently I had these thoughts about the parallels of recovery and endurance training:

1.        Share your goals and live transparently.  I remember the first time I stated to a group of these accomplished friends that I was going to participate in a particular impossible goal/race event for me at the time. It was big for me, but many had done much more than my little goal.  That didn’t matter.  The issue was once I owned my goal to the group, I couldn’t back down.  Putting that intention out there kept me motivated to be on task and also allowed others to help keep me accountable.  The same is true for those entering recovery.  Once you enter the hallways of a 12-step fellowship and pick up your first white chip you give yourself the gift of intention and the chance for a community of support.  Once you decide to live a sober life, sobriety can only be helped by making that thought transparent to a group of people that can help you stay in training.

2.       Have a group to support your goals and stay accountable.  My group of endurance friends that I share my goals with don’t shame me if I fall behind.  They offer me support for the journey.  They help me stay on task by sharing things that have helped them when they struggle.  They cheer me on.  They believe in me when I don’t believe in myself.  They share their own struggle and success which helps me gather things that I can incorporate into my own training.

3.       Have a vision but stick to a plan.  Successful people I know have a plan that guides them.  In recovery one is advised to stick to “one day at a time”.  I remember when I planned for my first 10K.  As I began the training for it, I thought:  There is NO WAY I can run 6.2 miles!  I hear that from people in early recovery!  “I can’t stop drinking forever” or “I can’t stop acting out, it is too hard”.  You don’t have to run 26 miles out the door if you decide to do a marathon.  Recovery doesn’t just happen. You have to begin with the process of sober first.  You have to learn and build upon a foundation of sober while gaining skills to sustain the journey.  You have to know where you are going with a vision and build slowly while sticking to sobriety (the training plan) every day.  Sobriety each day, while learning skills and working a training plan, keeps one fit for the journey of recovery.  Running 6.2 miles is a relatively easy endeavor for me these days but I am forever amazed at the beginning training plan process!

4.       Have a relationship with others who have done what you are trying to do.  Most endurance athletes I know not only surround themselves with a group of motivated people, but they create specific relationships with a coach to support their goals.  The parallel for that in recovery looks like finding a therapist with specific professional knowledge to guide you toward your goals.  They understand predictable pitfalls and safely guide you without putting too much on your plan all at once. Minimally, I suggest one finds a sponsor for accountability and support when the plan gets tough.

5.       Avoid Bonk.  By “bonk” I mean the cyclist’s term for “hitting the wall”.  In recovery terms there is a term “Avoid H.A.L.T.”  Never allow yourself to get overly hungry, angry, lonely or tired.  HALT is when the addict is most primed to take over when you can no longer go on.  It is a dangerous place to be as it does not allow you to continue your journey of recovery.

I wish you success for your goals.  Live transparently, open yourself and your intentions to a group who can cheer you on, enjoy the camaraderie, stick to your plan, don’t lose sight of your vision….and enjoy a healthy sobriety!  Life is not a race, but a journey to be enjoyed.

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The Two D-Day’s of Sex Addiction

"To do anything in this world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in, and scramble through as well as we can." 
– Sydney Smith

D-Day.  The mention of D-Day usually conjures up the invasion of the Normandy Beaches on June 6, 1944, bloody battles that ensued, and ultimately liberation from German occupation during World War II.  In Sex Addiction treatment with addicts, spouses, and couples that I sit with, we sometimes refer to two D-days.  The first D-Day we refer to as “Discovery Day”.  The second D-Day is “Disclosure Day”.

The Discovery Day, in my mind parallels the initial invasion. The D-Day invasion in 1944 involved 5,000 ships carrying men and vehicles across the English Channel, 800 planes that dropped over 13,000 men in parachutes, and 300 planes that dropped bombs on German troops that defended the beaches.  The result was 100,000 Allied troops made it to shore that day.   I wish no disrespect to  those who physically endured the battle of WW II, but in my mind of sitting with couples in sex addiction, there is a metaphorical parallel.  Can you imagine the power of this assault?  When discovery happens for the spouse there is an invasion.  Life, as they knew or thought it to be, changes in an instant.  PTSD from the trauma continues as they lose so much in the transaction of the discovery invasion.  The spouse of the addict loses their way, their orientation to life, and the things they thought that were, aren’t.  They lose the feelings of specialness to their spouse that was felt in the marriage.  It is a betrayal like no other.  For the addict there are casualties, as well.  The addict is often caught by a surprise attack.  They are left to defend the territory of addiction.  They are lost in a world of disorientation from the occupation of the addiction and the shame of being discovered.  It is a difficult labyrinth for both sides of the war at this point.  I have both spouses and addicts contact me in the aftermath of discovery.  I can assure you it is painful and the wounds are severe for both soldiers in the opposing armies.

Scholars of WWII note that D-Day probably referred to Decision Day.  The success of the campaign of 1944 involved pushing the front of the occupied forces back after the initial invasion. The Second D-Day of sex addiction is Disclosure Day.  Disclosure Day has the possibility of the same purpose.   The success in sex addiction treatment also involves pushing the front of addiction back so the occupation of addiction no longer continues.  Disclosure has the potential to create liberation for the addict and possibly the relationship.  It certainly helps to begin pushing the fronts of addiction back so that freedom from living in the occupation of addiction can begin.  Disclosure helps the addict begin to reduce shame, shed long-held secrets which feed a shame spiral that feed addiction, and liberate one to a life of living transparently.  For the spouse, disclosure helps them understand what has been long-held in secret behind the front.  They can decide if they wish to work on the relationship after they hear what the addict has had to say.  Disclosure can lay the foundation for a new foundation of intimacy in a relationship.

Disclosure is not for everyone, but it is highly recommended for most treatment plans. Disclosure is not recommended until sobriety is established to give the addict a chance to gain his bearings, develop a supportive network to deal with shame, and give a full account of acting out from a sober mind.   Disclosure is not just coming clean in confession after the discovery.  Disclosure must be planned and executed as carefully as the Normandy Invasion was planned for.  To haphazardly just rush in could be disastrous for the campaign of winning the war.  Disclosure should be done purposefully with the skill of trained therapists with experience of how to structure disclosure for the maximum chance of success.  Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT’s) are uniquely trained in facilitating disclosure processes. 

Wars rage on when both sides fight for an impossible ideal.  Sometimes when one retreats from an ideal it gives the opposing army a chance to re-evaluate.  For healing with couples and sex addiction treatment, we have to arrest the addiction first.  Everyone must look at how they engaged in the battle previous to discovery.  Addiction has raged for a variety of reasons that must be addressed. Couples need to be helped with how to put down their weapons.   They need help to assess  their wounds, and evaluate the ideals that are worth fighting for.  They need to negotiate openly post-disclosure rather than be on the attack.  Recovery is a process of new skills, new boundaries on the frontier, and new ways of empowering oneself.  It can be very liberating for all.

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The Partner’s Fear of Letting Go in Sex Addiction

Recently I wrote a post on the experience of teaching my daughter to ride her two-wheel bike for the first time.  From my experience of being a road cyclist and watching her gain skills for balance on the bike, I noticed the parallels of cycling and recovery.  In this post I want to look at the perspective of the person running behind the bike.  The experience of being a parent and running behind the bike supporting my daughter with the need to let go, I am reminded of the spouse’s process necessary in the recovery process of sex addiction.   Have you experienced the feeling of running behind a child, supporting the child on the bike, yet, knowing you need to let go?  Do you remember the feeling the panic of the moment you knew you needed to let them go so they will find their own skill, power, and strength to continue?   How can a parent let go running behind the bike knowing full well there might be hurt involved?  How can a spouse stop being vigilant knowing there might be more unconscionable collateral damage?  Often, the spouse has been broadsided with the discovery of the addiction and it would seem counter-intuitive to let go of vigilance now!

 As a parent teaching skills, or as a spouse in the relationship affected by sex addiction, we know we NEED to let go. Working through the fear of letting go and actually letting go are quite another story.  Any parent who has taught their child to ride a bike knows the difficulty in letting go and similarly, any partner who has felt the absolute power of betrayal from sex addiction knows the fear of letting go.  Once it is time to transition to two-wheel riding, it is a time for the parent to prepare to let go and allow the child to gain necessary skills of safety.  Once the sex addiction is surfaced, often previously hidden in secret, the spouse must learn to let go. Addict and spouse alike need new skills to master safety in life and in the relationship.  This is quite a paradox to let go and trust in the face of fear.

 I mentioned Soren Kierkegaard’s writings on the “leap of faith” in my previous post.    Addicts need to make a leap of faith to trust the recovery process.  In my mind there is no greater leap to make than the spouse who has felt the betrayal of sex addiction in their relationship.  As the parent who runs behind the bike, if they don’t let go once the child is gaining the skills to begin, they can undermine the child’s ability to learn from natural consequences.  A spouse who stays vigilant over their spouses recovery runs risk of not only enabling or undermining their spouses recovery, but their own growth process by learning the ability to self-soothe and gain new skills for healthy safe relationships.  Easier said than done and one of the paradoxes of recovery.

Soren Kierkegaard’s leap of faith is the concept of independence is gained in interdependence.  The mother who believes her child can take those first steps or pedals and actually cheers them on creates a better environment of skill building and the child’s belief in self-mastery than the parent who might knowingly, or unknowingly, tell or imply to their child they can’t.  Often I hear partners of sex addicts say:  “My partner was the one acting out and has the problem!  Why do I have to work on things?”  In addiction there is an interplay of dynamics in the family and /or couple’s  relationship system.  The parent running behind the bike doesn’t have to master the same exact skills as the person on the bike, but both have to learn skills to make growth a successful endeavor.   So it is in the repair process of the couple.  There is an interplay of a dynamic relationship and equally the need for new skills for all involved in the addictive process.

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Overheard at The 93rd PGA…Sex in the City Meets Family Values

Do you remember the Clinton Era when current events were catalyst  to anxiety-provoking conversations with our children?  Conversations that we could have never imagined?  Do you remember the media sound bites that pushed the envelope for further definitions of adult conversations?”   I felt it was deja vous at the 93rd PGA!  This past weekend John’s Creek, Georgia hosted the prestigious 93rd PGA Golf Tournament.  As a Metro-Atlanta community we were excited to see people and the golfers seeking their prize come from all over the world.  Most days there were  40,000-50,000 spectators in attendance.  The whole event was quite a spectacle.  Earlier this year the PGA President Alan Wronowski announced its junior golf initiative.   He announced plans to launch the PGA Sports Academy to grow participation among junior golfers that promote fitness, nutrition, rules, etiquette, sportsmanship and life skills.  The PGA promotes strong vision for family participation and growing youth in the sport.  To aid the effort Junior Tickets were offered free of charge!  We attended 3 of 4 days as a family.

The first day we attended the event there was much frenetic activity as 156 of  the top  golfers in the world, including Tiger Woods, came to compete for the prize.   I arrived with my daughter on Thursday afternoon (the first official day of play) to meet my husband (already present as a volunteer on the course).  As I backed into the parking space on the grassy field across from the Atlanta Athletic Club, my daughter exclaimed…”Mommy look an airplane is flying with a sign behind it.  What is that for?”  Trying not to hit the cars around me I said “You’ll have to read it to me, sweetie, because I can’t look at this instant.”  Mommy what does “ ’No cover charge’ mean?” Huh?  We got out of the car and walked to the pedestrian bridge designed to allow pedestrians to cross over 4 lanes of traffic.  The plane circled by, yet again.  This time I could see the sign and realized it was an advertisement for an Atlanta Night club a.k.a “a strip club”.  While we crossed on the bridge over 4 lanes of highway traffic, passing pedestrians going the other way to leave the venue, no less than four times, I heard 4 different groups of men loudly talking about what a great strip club that was.  It was repetitive and loud enough for my daughter to wonder what the conversations were about.  Oh boy, this is going to be a great event.  I am a therapist with specific training in matters regarding child development, sex, sex addiction, and pretty current on headline topics.  What does the untrained parent do in this situation?  I felt for them.

The field of players was narrowed after two days of play.  Tiger did not make the cut but that didn’t dampen enthusiasm in numbers of those attending or their spirits.  Crowd conversation turned to speculation as to why Tiger didn’t make the cut.  Things overheard included:  “That plane was hounding him and he couldn’t concentrate.”  Others said “He’s just lost it all, his life is awash, so sad.”  Still others speculated on his physical and mental limitations with comments like his knee is beyond repair or” it is ‘all in his head’ ”. This led to more questions from my daughter about what people were saying and why they were talking so much about Tiger Woods.  I spoke with her about living a life of balance.  Tiger reportedly lost his balance, the magic of his game, and reportedly his perspective on life. I further explained I know he reportedly made decisions that cost him his family and he divorced.  She replied with concern “That is sad mommy.  When people lose their balance like that can they ever gain it back?”  Thinking of my clients I treat for sex addiction, I offered “Yes, honey I do believe people can rebuild their life.  I see people fall out of balance and rebuild their lives to something better than they could imagine – but that it takes time and willingness to do so.”  I know it takes 3-5 years for a person to restore the balance in their life, IF they acknowledge the problem and begin working on balance IF one is struggling with addiction .

As if this wasn’t enough to contend with in coming days of tourney play, another plane began flying with the banner “Hot Girls at the Oasis…Hot Girls”.  Well you know where this is going.  My ever inquisitive child NOW wants to know what this means.  It is a stretch, but a teachable moment.  I am reminded Ashely Madison tried to be a sponsor for the Super Bowl this year but was turned down.  Many pro sports have had their share of image management concerns, lately.  The bad boys of basketball, steroid use in baseball, and doping allegations in cycling circles come to mind.  All sport disciplines have done what they can to manage damage control.  I feel for the PGA executives in their junior initiative.  Can they really control air space? 

I was privy to overhear a very positive conversation after a player, who was a crowd favorite, came off the course of play on Sunday.  I overheard the sports psychologist speaking to a club official about what she does when her player is in a slump.  She said “what I do is help them change the tape, change the channel that is in their head.”  As a therapist that is the best one can do whether their client is in a slump, in a depression, or getting past the crisis for living a life out of balance.   As a therapist trained to treat sex addiction, I think that is one of the best strategies for changing the messages addicts play in their heads which contribute to the shame spiral and a life out of balance.   The habits of the addiction cycle have to change into positive habits of the recovery cycle.  It takes time, but the belief, the vision, and a changed internal voice have to be there.  I heard the winner of the 93rd PGA, Keegan Bradley say “I have dreamed of this my entire life”.  Now that’s vision.  I am reminded of the The Art of Racing in the Rain:  our future follows our vision.  Where is your aim? And where is your vision?  Vision  determines the success of our future!   Way to go Keegan Bradley!!

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Cultural Messages, the Power of Suggestion, and Sex Addiction

MTV

"The best thing you can spend on your children is your time."  –Louise Hart

Friday evening with temperatures nearing 100 degrees Fahrenheit, I decided to do my scheduled run indoors on the treadmill.   To break the monotony of treadmill running, I decided to flip on the TV. I thought MTV could be music to help keep pace and the images might break the doldrums of static focus.  The MTV channel counted down the top 20 music videos of Fuse.tv.  As I ran watching images projected from the screen, my mind wandered to the several adolescents and their families that have contacted me in the recent weeks for their struggles with pornography.  As I watched I thought of the messages projected onto our youth in the form of entertainment.

I did a warm-up, 3 mile run, and a cool down.  In this time I saw the top videos counted down from 17 to 11.  In the countdown I watched  Lil’ Wayne and The Killers, numbers 17 and 16 respectively portray scantily-clad women sexually contorting, gyrating, and entertaining men  who passively watched in pleasure suggesting women were there for the sole purpose of selective enjoyment and entertainment.  In number 15, Kanye West sang from the church pulpit on the struggle of destitution, prostitution, and addiction in “Jesus Walks”.  He urged rappers to think about the messages they send.  The band Fall Out Boy, number 14, portrayed the innocence of days gone by of school dances where boys actually wore suits and girls wore pearl necklaces and corsages.  This video marked the struggle of the shy person in all of us that feels awkward to enter the dance floor and let loose.  The video highlighted the nerdy boy who struggles to get out there on the floor. He was eventually coaxed onto the floor by the new-millennium, scantily-clad, hottie as modern-day siren who  invited him alone onto the floor while the scene changed to the modern-era dirty dancing.  Justin Timberlake rang in at lucky number 13 with “Timbaland”.  Justin’s video and lyrics urged us to “get our sexy back” while showing a weird techno brothel of sorts where sordid rough sex, violence and voyeurism were mixed in fantasy.  Continuing the count Lady Gaga appeared with images and messages of sex, death, crutches, and wheelchairs….but that was just in the opening 10 seconds of her banned video Paparazzi. 

As I cooled down with Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy” and images of Rorschach Ink blots flashed on the screen, I wondered am I crazy for thinking how much this impacts our youth? Elvis Pronounced Obscene

Since Elvis first swiveled his hips on The Ed Sullivan show, our culture has wrestled with societal messages and the values of our youth.  As I watched the current videos on the screen I was reminded of my CSAT training where Patrick Carnes, PhD, spoke of the tsunami facing our culture.  The numbers are rising quickly for those struggling with sex and pornography addiction, due largely in part by the internet born in our technological age.  The key factors that make sex on the Internet a powerful medium have long been referred to the “3 A’s” or the Triple A Engine (Cooper, 1998).  Those 3 “A’s” are:  Affordability, Anonymity, and Accessibility. 

I know MTV is so yesterday for today’s adolescent.  Why wait for your favorite music video to come on when you can seek it on YouTube instantaneously?  Yes, in the ancient age of the 80’s we had Madonna Shock spread in her Big Book exposed, but she was on coffee tables of those who chose and not laid out in public mass media for all to see.  Woodstock harkened our youth in the 60's to the fields of New York.  The Grateful Dead had their dead heads. Dead Heads were those who gave up the path of life they were on to follow the band as their sole focus.  Just because there was a cultural movement, not everyone joined the movement.  Similarly, sex and pornography addiction will not befall everyone who is exposed to pornography. I believe Sex Addiction is a complicated and complex disease.  It is not a morality issue any more in my mind than I think that alcoholism is.  In this post I do not mean to imply there needs to be a Carrie Nation in our day to police and guard us from the evils that bombard us. Those who carry certain risk factors are at greater risk, but I have to question the increasing numbers while I sampled a random 40 minutes of cultural messages. 

When computer technology became all the rage for the masses in the 80’s there was a phrase:  Garbage in, garbage out.  Addiction and Recovery are like that.  Where we direct our mind, our thoughts follow.  Recent research points to not much difference between the addicted brain and the goal-oriented brain.  Where we go is a matter of intention and focus.  Where will you maintain your focus today?

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Mastery of Fear and Finding Balance in Recovery

by Mohamed Ibrahim

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”

– Mohandas Karamchand (Mahatma) Gandhi

Do you remember that first time you tried to ride a two-wheel bike?  Do you remember feelings of fear or excitement?  Do you remember being determined or feeling relegated to defeat before even getting the courage to lift your feet from the ground?  As a cyclist I love the feeling of free-wheeling freedom on my bike, but it wasn’t always that way!  I recently taught my daughter to ride her two-wheel bike and I was reminded of how much trust, skill, and the ability to work through fear was involved in gaining the free-wheeling feeling I love so much.

As I taught my daughter to ride her bike, I thought of the parallels of cycling to successful recovery.  First, do you know where you are headed?  Are you aiming for a vision of successful navigation through fear?  Or are you focused on the fear of the task at hand?  One of my favorite books lately is The Art of Racing in the Rain about a race car driver on the Formula One Circuit.  I thought the metaphor in that book was a brilliant metaphor for recovery, cycling, and life in general.  Danny, the character in the book, was a successful racer and a successful navigator in life’s challenges for the simple thought of:  Our focus determines our future.  Similarly, on the bike or in recovery, if we are focused on fear we are not focused on success.  Danny noticed many racers crashed because they focused on “not hitting the wall” rather than the focus to get around the curve safely. Every racer, cyclist and person in recovery has the ability to know they have the skills to keep themselves safe.  Each time I pushed on the bike teaching my daughter, we would look at where her focus was.  Was she focusing on the fear of falling or the fact she can ride and enjoy herself?

As I sit with clients in early recovery I notice many of these same parallels of how one navigates through the fears of letting go of addiction and gaining a mastery of skills necessary for recovery.   It is a big moment indeed when one is about to leave what they know, even if the chains of addiction are “the hell that they know”.  Often one might feel the hell one knows is often better than the hell one doesn’t know.  There is necessity to trust and let go just as one has to lift one’s feet off the ground to place them on the pedals of the bike.  As on the bike, one needs to begin to find a new balance.  I remind my clients to look at their focus in early recovery as I reminded my daughter to focus on successfully riding the bike.  I ask my clients are you focusing on not using?  Or are you focusing on gaining the skills that support the balance of recovery.  In treatment we are building skills of successful recovery. 

One is scared to give up the addiction because it has helped them cope.  As a cyclist one has to know how to ride on different terrains and under different conditions. Successful cyclists know how to keep themselves safe from crashing.   So it is in recovery, as well.  Life throws us many curves, mountains to climb, downhills and slippery wet pavements.  People who maintain sobriety glean the skills necessary to avoid the crash of relapse. 

Soren Kierkegaard , Danish religious philosopher, wrote about “the leap of faith”.  He noticed independence is born of interdependence in that moment a mother teaches her child to walk.  The child doesn’t have the skills to master walking as it begins its first steps, but the gaze of the child is focused on the mother and the mother encourages the belief to the child they can take that next step.  So, too, in successful recovery we build an environment to support recovery.  12-step groups, treatment groups, and therapy offer environments to build skills.  They allow us to meet the people who can believe in us when we don’t even belief we can do it ourselves.  Independence born of interdependence.

I believed my daughter could ride her bike even before she could believe she could.  Her trust, focus, and interdependence on me to hold her up until she could find her own balance was key to her successful mastery of the task at hand.  My clients come to me to see” the gaze” and a belief that “You can do this!” and learn skills to avoid the crash of relapse.  I recommend 12-step groups to further widen their support and belief networks.  I offer treatment groups which are akin to cycling clinics to handle the climbs and hairpin turns of life.  We focus on the vision of recovery because I do believe focus does determine our future.  I love helping others find the free-wheeling freedom from a life of addiction and keeping themselves safe for the journey of life.